This has been quite the last few years for me. I've been trying to come up with a few words that might describe the journey but its been a long time coming.
How do you describe... a life of choosing to love even if it makes no sense to you or those around you, making another nation your home and willingly giving up your comforts and securities, fumbling over your own insecurities and failures, changing your mind one hundred times, walking away from what the world deems successful, giving into temptation, falling in love with a culture, losing family and friends to terrible disease, seeing a dream more clearly than ever, breaking off a future with someone, facing a life threatening illness, and starting your life somewhere new... how would you describe that in a few words?
Here's my best shot...
beautiful broken adventure!
To be honest, most days I wake up still wondering what on earth I'm doing in Boise Idaho with an HR/Recruitment job that I have nill educational training in and yet totally love with a passion (mostly because of the people I work with).
I think about my dreams and the passions that fill my heart nearly every second of the day- teaching, writing, psychology, travel, and using the arts to both shape my own character and help lead others toward life and joy- and I can't help but wonder how this beautiful broken adventure has shaped who I've become and where I'm heading with these dreams that won't surrender.
Maybe you are not like me. Maybe you never sin or wander or feel lost. Maybe you feel like you have it together and all that is good is on your side. You are strong, vibrant, successful, peaceful, attractive, confident, and worthy. Perhaps you wake up everyday convinced that you are on the right path- exactly where you need to be- and you move confidently forward each day knowing that against all odds you've already succeeded, and yet paradoxically consider yourself one step closer to where you are going (ultimate success and fulfillment). Maybe you don't care what other people think and you refuse to compare yourself to those around you. Yep...maybe you have wings and a halo. I've seen you and met you before (mostly in magazines, tv shows, and even churches). You are mankind's unrealistic expectation- our Master- and you invade as many hearts as possible with the intent to discourage and then destroy.
Or maybe you are like me... confidently at rest about very few things and totally confused about everything else. Or perhaps you hold dear one truth that gets you through each day; for me, the evidence of the love of God poured out on my life.
I truly hope for your sake that you feel more certainty about your life and your future and where you are going than I do, but if for some reason we are more alike than different, let me share with you a few words of comfort and hope that I've learned along the road on this beautiful broken adventure.
Though I don't know specifically where I'm going, I do know one thing... I'm loved deeply and so are you! That's a truth people, and it's worth holding onto. This thought alone brings tears to my eyes when I really stop and consider the depths, and the implications.
Each day I wake up often confused about where I'm going and how I'm gonna get there. Yes, I constantly question how I'm investing in my future, my finances, my health, my love life, and if I'm running away from anything God has for me.
Friends, the truth is, I feel consistently bombarded with thoughts about what I'm supposed to do, where I'm supposed to be, how I'm supposed to live and yet when I stop and quietdown I realize that I'm absolutely confident about one thing... who I'm called to love... today.
So what does this mean for you and for me?
For me, it means that I have a choice to make. I can spend my life looking back at the past, at the hurts, at the disappointments, and I can also waste fleeting moments fretting about an unknown future... OR I can deeply love and invest in the souls that I interact with on a daily basis. I can stop looking back. I can face my fears and cling to what is good. I can embrace truth. I can love with all my heart even when it hurts and makes no sense. I can live with joy in the moment. I can let my heart truly be at rest. I can change lives. I can do the impossible. Better yet, I can BE the impossible; that peaceful, joyful, loving, vibrant, godly woman that I long to be with all my heart!
Sure I have dreams. In fact, sometimes I feel like I have more dreams and goals than hairs on my head (especially since I have been losing so much hair from malaria and probably stress/worry). A beautiful woman in my life said today that "life is short." Trust me she knows. And I've had my fair share of reminders the last few years myself. So let's not lose sight of why we are here. Let's not look with regret on the relationships or choices that invoked love or passion in our hearts, or walk away from the moments we have to plant those seeds of love in others today!
LOVE be with you!